The Christmas Story That Wasn't

Don't Get Me Wrong:

Don't get me wrong.  I set out months ago to write and post a Christmas story here.  Okay, truth is in mid-November I sent out invitations to a select group of individuals I thought could help me come up with and write a great Christmas tale during late November through mid December.  These people are all closely associated with Christmas.  I was determined to post a classic of the future.  I regret this will not be possible.  Every member of the select group of individuals sent their regrets, thus leading to the worst case of Writer's Block I've ever experienced, not to mention profound and depressing disappointment.  So that you know I really-really-really TRIED, I would like to share with you 12 of the top notes of regret I received, in no particular order.  Here goes:

The Regrets:

1.  Bob Crachit:  I send my regrets.   I am unavailable after the Thanksgiving holiday, but thank you for your kind invitation to help you develop a wonderful and inspiring Christmas story.  From Thanksgiving to Christmas, I am engaged in preparation for or involved in, the performance of that well-known story, "A Christmas Carol."  It hurts like the dickens to be unable to help you, but Mr. Charles Dickens is a tough taskmaster, who lets no one off this time of year.  However, I should be available around July 4th., if you wish to write your Christmas tale then.  Merry Christmas!

2.  Ebenezer Scrooge:  Ditto Mr. Crachit's words for myself.  Bah Humbug!!!  Where do you writers come from this time of year.  Can't you see July 4th. is much better, if you are still foolish enough to be interested then?  Merry, ah, forget it!

3.  Santa Claus:  Oh dear, I do regret having to beg off.  Despite a down economy, from Thanksgiving to Christmas Eve...well, it's not quiet and peaceful at the North Pole.  Would love to join you and share my ideas, but duty calls.  Admit it sounds very relaxing.  How about we meet down South over the Summer?  Snow is not as bad, work is slack, and I could get a tan.  Merry Christmas!

4.  Mrs. Santa Claus:  Sending my regrets, as well.  Will be busy keeping my husband organized and on schedule from Thanksgiving through Christmas deliveries.  No way would things work out without me there to keep Santa and elves organized and running like a well-oiled machine.  Don't know why I married the man, but that's another story.  I love orange juice.  How about we meet come Summer, in Florida, amid sunshine, and plenty of orange juice?  Sound good?  We are available then, not that he would know that.  Merry Christmas!

5.  Clement Clark Moore:  Sending humble regrets.  Due to prior engagements involving the reading of my classic tale, commonly known as, "The Night Before Christmas" I have no time available to pursue helping you find a classic Christmas tale of the future.  Certainly, a new classic is always needed.  My schedule is soft from June through the end of August.  It would be an honor to assist you, then.  Contact me, if interested.  (Ignore that fellow Henry Livingston Jr.  He's always trying to steal the rights to my story, claiming it's his.  The low-life scum!)  Merry Christmas!

6.  Henry Livingston Jr.:  With regrets I decline your generous invitation.  Each year at this time I find myself pushing my case hard in the venerable court of public opinion, that I, I Henry Livingston Jr. am the author of that work properly named "A Visit From St. Nicholas.  (Ignore that scoundrel Moore should you encounter him.  He goes about claiming my work as his own.  I was robbed I tell you, robbed!)  Merry Christmas!

7.  Tiny Tim:  I would if I could, but being a child, with no adult available to travel with me, I regret I will be unable to accept your warm invitation.  Come Summer, I suspect Mr. Dickens will relent, perhaps even coming along himself.  Meantime, a request for prayers for Tiny Tim.  Merry Christmas to you, good and kind sir.

8.  Charles Dickens:  My good man!  Have you any idea how busy I am this time of year?  Feels like a proverbial Sweat Shop doing "A Christmas Carol" every year at this time.  Makes me regret I wrote it, except I wrote so many other stories, books, and told so many tales, that I am forever occupied with accepting and refusing invitations.  However, I've never seen this July 4th. thing of yours, so...I'm slippery enough I could make it for a literary chat at that time, if you like?  Who the devil writes Christmas stories near Christmas anyway?  Hasn't anyone ever told you, write Christmas stories during a Summer heatwave!  Merry Christmas, if I must say it.

9.  Charlie Brown:  Lucy hid your invitation until it was too late, so I regret I am sending my regrets.  "A Charlie Brown Christmas" ratings are down this year; Mr. Schulz passed away some time ago, you know, and well...I've got a date with a little red-haired girl and I think she expects a Christmas present from me, so I've got to go shopping now.  Plus, you are aware I am a kid, right?  Should an adult be sending a child AN invitation to meet alone?  Sorry, been reading too much bad news lately.  Depressed.  Can't make it.  How about over the Summer?  Let me know if that's okay.  Love sunshine, baseball, and Cracker Jacks.  Merry Christmas! 

10.  O. Henry:  Forgive me, for I shall be unable to accept your wonderful invitation.  I have been brought back from the dead by Hollywood to rewrite my great work, "The Gift of the Magi."  They want a movie script filled with lots of sex, violence, and exploitation.  They plan to add a Rapper soundtrack, in hopes of attracting young people and a more urban audience.  The couple will be divorced, along with a number of other details I'm not allowed to divulge---think vulgar.  Could we perhaps meet over the Summer?  I really need to rest up after this rewrite, for I wlll have to purge my soul.  Sigh, it's a living.  Keep in touch.  Merry Chrismas! 

11.  Hans Christian Anderson:  Oh dear, no!  Can't make it!  Sending my regrets!  Obviously, you are not aware, this time of year I am dealing with the presentation of "The Little Match Girl" and "The Steadfast Tin Soldier."  Much much too busy to accept your generous invitation.  Sounds like fun, though.  Could we set up a meeting over the Summer?  I could offer a number of ideas at that time.  Not picky about the date, so long as it's the Summer.  Thanks for thinking of me.  Merry Christmas!

12.  Robert L. May:  I deeply regret I must pass up your excellent invitation to help create a new Christmas Classic tale.  I, myself, created "Rudolf The Red-Nosed Reindeer," while employed with Montgomery Ward.  Since that time...well, shopping at Montgomery Ward is, well...not what it once was, shall we say.  Not that I haven't done well myself.  It's just, this time of year, old Rudolf keeps me pretty busy performing, with very little time to spare.  I hope you understand.  Now, if you're not doing anything this Summer, we could get together to go over your and my ideas.  How about it?  See you then?  Merry Christmas! 

13.  Samuel Langhorne Clemens or Mark Twain:  Was shocked to receive your thoughtful invitation to assist in the creation of a new Christmas Classic tale, but sending my regrets.  The tale "A Letter From Santa Claus" was merely a letter I wrote to my then sick daughter, Suzy Clemens.  Sickly in life, she died at age 23, you know?  True, I know a bit about creating classic tales.  I've created a few, purloined a few, and have a sharp ear for a good tale.  However, I find Winter freezes not only a man's bones, but his mind.  Therefore, I respectfully decline your invitation, although it is a great honor to receive it and I shall cherish it, unlike publishers rejection letters.  Summer seems an excellent time for creative ideas for a Winter Christmas tale.  Shall we get together then, so I may offer a few ideas at that time?  You know how to contact me.  Don't be shy.  Meantime, Merry Christmas!

When To Write A Classic Christmas Tale:

There you have it, a baker's dozen regrets and I have more than what you have read.  When to write a Classic Christmas tale?  It seems unanimous.  Write it during the heat of Summer.  Anytime, except during Christmas season.  During Christmas season you may take notes.  Notice the cold, people's reactions to gifts, everything and anything connected with Christmas, write it in a Christmas notebook for future reference.  Say, at the end of the day or some quiet time.  The rest of the time, enjoy Christmas.  Live in the moment.  By the way, MERRY CHRISTMAS!